Sunday, December 8, 2013

A loss, a life, & a homemade Christmas

 I am choosing to open my heart up for the first time online (really, ever) so please bear with me!!  This may be choppy but I am praying it is beneficial to someone!!

This year has really been hard for us.  See, our adoption to this precious little angel:
Ezra 4 1/2 months old
rocked our world in more ways than one.  First, of course was paying for the adoption, which was the easiest thing ever!  God blessed us with perfect timing!!  We were able to use all of our savings and not touch a home equity line of credit we had established.  Yay!!  Well, then the downhill spiral of everything else has put us where we are right now. Which I know God is right there with us, and even though we are truly struggling, we are also seeing the true light of Christ shining brighter than ever!
     This little boy has been a true blessing for us.  But, for me in-particular.  You see on the 10th of this month marks the passing of my 3rd baby.  I have had 4 pregnancies, and only have my son Conner with me.
We lost our daughter at 20 weeks in May and nearly destroyed me if it wasn't for my little man Conner and the grace of God.  Those were some dark days, but looking back now I see that God carried me through them and brought me closer to Him.  It was during this time, that I really began to know God and was saved!
     The end of that year, I lost my Christmas baby and have been unable to truly enjoy Christmas since then.  Now, when you read that, please don't get any crazy ideas!  My family has chosen not to observe Santa.  We view him as an idol that we put in front of our children and have chosen to keep Christ as the center of our Christmas.  (Not that keeping Santa does or doesn't make you a Christian, this are just how God has led us in our walk and how we have chosen to honor Christ.  So, as long as you are listening to God, then keep doing what you are doing.)  We also chose to only buy 3 gifts for our son, just like the wise men.  Something he wants, something he needs, and something pointing him to Christ.
     Anyways, Christmas has always been hard to see as a happy time for me.  Don't get me wrong, I have always celebrated Christ's birth with the same enthusiasm as I always have, but this time was different.  Besides Christ, there was nothing in me to celebrate.  I despised putting our tree up, I despised singing carols, I even despised making my Christmas candy.  I did all of these things only because of my son.  I did them with a smile so no one has ever known this, but on the inside I was falling apart.  
     Since that Christmas, I have since lost another baby, and God put us on the adoption path.  Sixteen months later enters Ezra!  My sweet little angel that allowed me to see life through a babies eyes once again.  The sweet forgiving, loving eyes that all babies have!  Even through all of our stays at Children's hospital (almost 2 weeks on and off) this little boy has been a fighter.

He is always smiling!  You would never of known that he stopped breathing and turned blue on us on a daily basis.  He is finally on the mend.  They think he is starting to outgrow his seizures!!  Praise the Lord!!!!
     You can imagine the bills piling in, praise God for insurance!  The saying when it rains it pours is oh so true.  Our only vehicle is starting to have problems and the 4-wheel drive went out on it (not a good thing when you live out in the boondocks!), garage door opener broke, washer broke, water leak the day I was leaving for Ezra's overnight EEG that left us without water until I got home the next night, ruined bathroom floor due to this leak, damper on our wood burner breaking (now we are burning through wood so fast we may run out), a roof leak that still isn't fully fixed, windows leaking water, and the motor on our furnace went out (which of course we haven't used said furnace in 3 years due to wood burner).
     Wow, that's a lot!  I am praying that things are going to slow down finally.  We have started a list of the things that are most important to fix and they are going to be done first.  Our family has no debt and are trying to stay that way.  So, hopefully the truck goes in this week, then the roof leak once the weather warms up, then the wood burner, and then hopefully I can buy a washer!
      Now, add Christmas in the mix!  Both boys will be getting one gift this year and neither one of them is new.  And you know what, they are going to be fine!!
     Well, seeing as I am now in the holiday spirit mode.  I have set Conner and I (and of course we will be including Ezra in a few of these things!) on making several decorations and ornaments!  Here are the first 5 days:

Day 1
I still miss the smell of pine in the house, but who wouldn't love a wreath made by their kids!
You can find the link on how to make these here.
Day 2
Home made snowflake ornaments!

These were made with craft sticks and hot glue.

Day 3
Wreath and candy cane ornament.  I cut the shapes out of cardboard and then he used the glue gun to glue on the pom poms.
Day 4 
A stained glass nativity!  The link for this is here.

This one was mine.
Conner putting vegi oil on his nativity.

Dry time!

Day 5 Baking soda keepsake ornaments!

Conner 6 years!

Ezra 4.5 months


Snickers cat


To make:
1 1/4 cup baking soda
3/4 cup cornstarch
3/4 c water

Put all ingredients in a pot on medium heat stirring constantly until it starts thicken and resembles mashed potatoes.  Put in a bowl and cover with a damp cloth for 30 minutes.  

Make your ornaments at least 1/4 to 3/8 of an inch thick.  Make sure to use a straw to put a hole in your ornaments for hanging!



  1. I was just writing on my blog today how some Christmases are not easy. You've had so much loss, and now one of those "one thing after another" seasons financially. I'm praying for God's healing for your adorable baby and provision for all of your needs.

  2. Congratulations on Ezra in your life - and Connor's sweet smile - it is so comforting to finally hold a baby, your baby - after suffering loss like that. It is amazing how something so seemingly simple heals our hearts, but it isn't always so simple. Praying for you - praying healing for Ezra, for provision, praying that you feel Gods' comfort and peace during this season - and joy!!!

  3. I'm so sorry to hear of your tremendous loss. I've lost 4 of my own, so I definitely feel your pain and know just how incredibly difficult it is to accept the hand that's been dealt and simply trust that God knows what He is doing. Sometimes we don't understand and it's just not meant for us to understand.

    Thanks for sharing the recipe for your adorable ornaments- and for baring your soul. God be with you and prayers for your continued strength are being sent! :)

    (visiting via the Homestead Barn Hop- so happy to meet you!),


  4. Praying for God to bring health to your little boy. Praying for God to provide for all your needs in the days ahead. The baking soda ornaments are precious. A beautiful keepsake that I know will bring joy for many years to come. Thank you for sharing so openly.

  5. You had an incredible journey to this point of your life, and I admire your attitude. Thanks for sharing with Afterschool!

  6. My heart grieves with you over your losses and rejoices with you over your gifts! Adoption is a wonderful thing! I pray you have some financial peace soon as well. I love the puppy ornament ;) Thank you for sharing your hurts and your sweet ideas for your family to rejoice in the spirit of Christmas!

  7. It is hard to lose a child. We lost our baby in my fourth month. Then we lost our foster child we were in the process of adopting when he was returned to his previous family. I grieved for months.

    I remember the first Christmas after my dad died. We did alright but there were tears!

    What precious boys you have and those decorations look like they were a lot of fun to do! Thanks for linking up to "Making Your Home Sing Monday."

  8. The memories you are making are far better than anything store bought

  9. OH, when it rains it definitely pours! I am so sorry about your losses and health difficulties. Hang in there!

    I wanted to let you know about a new parenting link up at How do you do it? -

  10. Thank you so much for sharing your heart! God is truly an all-sufficient provider and I pray all of your needs around the house are met quickly. Your little ones will be fine with one gift - the memories and joy you create with the crafts and activities are what they will remember most! I found this post through the Hip Homeschool Hop. I would love it if you linked up at my Anything Goes Link-Up!

  11. Love those baking soda ornaments! What a touching story about your beautiful children. Thanks for sharing.

  12. Cathy...what a moving post. We have walked similar paths in life. It will 10 years this coming February that our precious son, Joseph, went home to the Lord. His birthday is New Years Day so this time of year is always a little emotional for me. You can read our story about Joseph at my blog. Anyhow, I love the memories and possible traditions you are creating with your boys. I'm thankful you can celebrate Jesus' birth again and that your faith has held you up through those dark times. God is good and faithful! Thank you for sharing at WJIM's Monday's Musings. God bless.

  13. Thank you for sharing your heart. Life has its struggles that is for sure. Nothing seems to go smooth for very long. Yet God holds us in all the waves, ups and downs. He remains faithful.

  14. Thank you for sharing your heart. You have two precious boys.

    Thanks for linking with Woman to Woman's Word Filled Wednesday. God bless!

  15. Sweet blessings to you, dear friend. God is certainly touching many lives with your story. Just a thought I feel that God would want you to know - He has a great big purpose for you. In all that pours down - God's got this amazing canvas that is your life, and he's painting it with the prettiest colors. I am certainly inspired by your story, as are many others I'm sure. I've heard a lot of this certain verse recently & feel the need to share it with you. As simple as it is, I think it's quite powerful. "God is working in you." (Philippians 2:13) And in the most chaotic of times, well -- God shows up. Praying for you & your sweet family. Hugs from one daughter of Christ to another (:


  16. Having lost 3 babies myself I know the struggle that brings, especially at this time of year. I'm blessed to have my 4th baby here with me this year and to celebrate her 1st birthday! However, sometimes it's still hard to move past all those painful Christmases. Prayers and blessings to you and your family this year!

  17. This was an amazingly brave post, I'm very sorry for your losses!

    I LOVE the handprints, they are fabulous!

  18. What a collection of beautiful crafts! Thank you for sharing them at After School.

  19. Thank you for sharing. Praying that this will be a blessed year for you.

  20. This was a very brave post. Thanks so much for sharing. I think your story will touch the lives of others providing comfort and encouragement. Your faith is amazing and I can see how God shines through you and your family, May you know blessings from sharing. Thanks for sharing at Essential Fridays,
    Mel from Essential Thing Devotions

  21. Losing a baby is so tough, I've been there - and I'm sending you huge hugs. Also, thanks for linking up to Mommy Club Wednesday Linky! I'm sure the tips and links you shared will help other families embrace the holidays! And we hope you link up again in the future. Would love to see what other neat posts you have!

    Shannon Schmid (

  22. May God bless you for staying positive for your boys--I'm sure they will grow up to be strong, full of grace, beautiful Christians just like their mother. I pray your grace "doth much more abound" as the years roll by. Our family is also experiencing loss this Christmas in the form of a dear uncle whom the children were very fond of and loved dearly. Although there is much sadness all around, thank you for sharing your joy with us! Merry Christmas!

  23. I love blogs for this very be able to write out things on our hearts that we might not be willing or able to share in person or face to face. It's like letting it all no one in particular...then again to everyone who sees it. I am so very sorry for all of those precious ones you have lost but am so happy you have found your joy again! Have a Merry Christmas with those two adorable boys of yours and please, continue sharing your heart :)


  24. Thank you for sharing straight from your heart about your losses and adoption. I hope and pray that your adoption goes well and that this child grows up to love and serve Jesus.